we all want something beautiful, man i wish i was beautiful

Day 2: much better.

When I have bad days like i did yesterday, it is very extreme. I didn't want to be the person who depends on a man to make her happy and content, but that's exactly how I am right now. It's hard for me to admit that. I didn't realize it until yesterday, when my best friend pointed out my extreme moods depend on how my relationship with John is going. Yesterday morning he said something that stuck with me and put me in an awful mood. He works nights, I work days. It's a little difficult at times, but I think it's also really good for a healthy relationship. If we both worked nights or days we would be spending every minute outside of work with one another, which seems like it could be stressful in a new relationship. He had a class he had to attend for work during the middle of the day yesterday so his sleep schedule was out of whack. It's understandable that he would be concerned about that but he said I should find something to do outside of the house in the evening so he can get some sleep. I took that as him essentially telling me to get out of my apartment so he can sleep. It hurt my feelings and I found it to be quite rude. so yesterday, I was in an mood all day because of that. I constantly worry anyway, so of course my mind went to everything possible to make me question his feelings towards me. I wondered why he has yet to change his facebook status to in a relationship, or at least take off single. We are living together and he calls me his girlfriend, clearly he isn't single. But I don't want that to bother me, it's petty...it's facebook. I'm not going to let it bother me any longer. It's rather silly, we live together, giving that a single thought at all is really a waste of my time. I know he wants to be there with me or else he wouldn't be, so I'll move on without another thought about it.

Last night was...interesting. We spent several hours on the balcony talking and enjoying one another's company. Later on, I noticed my weenie dog acting strange. His eyes were dilated and he couldn't walk. I immediately realized he had...umm...well he got into the stash. Which is apparently toxic to animals depending on the amount they ate, which I did not know. It scared the crap out of me. John was great about it though, he helped me calm the dog down and put him in a quiet dark place and let him sleep. By then it was getting late and I needed to get some sleep myself, as because John did not have to be at work until 1:30am he laid next to me. We talked a bit about things that made our lives stressful. He asked me if him moving in so suddenly was stressful on me, I said it wasn't because I enjoy being with him. He felt stressed out about it because he felt like he was just moving in and changing my life abruptly. Of course, that is not how I felt at all, and once I explained that to him he told me he was happy. I drifted off to sleep but I think that conversation needs more attention. If we are going to live together, and he is going to pay half of the apartment and such, he should be comfortable with it. I think I will suggest moving into a larger apartment in the complex, he has mentioned that a few times. Also, I am in desperate need of new furniture and would love to include him in that as well. I want him to feel like it's his place also, not just mine that he is staying at.

I am absolutely crazy over him, he is the best thing to come into my life in so long. I want to be better, mentally for myself and this relationship. I want to quit being so critical of myself also. John does get on to me about certain things, like spending money, but I know he's doing it for my best interest. I need someone to be there for me like he is. I have never had a solid support system when it comes to certain things and I feel like that's what he is to me. He's a positive thing in my pretty messy life right now, but when I am with him all seems alright.

I feel like a pretty lucky girl to be with him. He is this ambitious, strong willed, magnificent person who is full of positive energy. He makes me laugh and at times makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world. I love the way he makes me feel. I am very anxious to see what can become of this.