When the day seems lost from the start

"Do you ever get the “mean reds”? It's like the blues but worse"

i'm not entirely certain that I am ready to start writing again, but i need to try. Recently, I have been too terrified to write anything down. I imagine that all of my feelings and the inevitable pain that comes along would be too much for me to handle. That I will spiral down even further and the thoughts will continue to worsen. The last few months have been incredibly difficult for me. yet somehow I am still here. 

Most days I wake up and am immediately disappointed that I know I am going to spend a large portion of it pretending that I am happy. It is exhausting but it's all i can do to keep people from worrying about me. I don't want to be somebody's problem. I don't want people to worry so I pretend to be okay, even though I don't even remember what it feels like anymore. but i think i miss it. 

I feel abandoned by everyone that I care for and love...everyone that I have given my trust to. My loneliness has taken over and is in complete control of my life. it's made me believe that everything in my life right now is temporary.  Because of it, I expect people to give up on or walk away from me. It's such a familiar feeling that when it happens, i am no longer surprised.  

I watch people around me and became envious that they are not consumed with an overwhelming feeling of self hatred, such as I am.  I miss smiling. and laughing. knowing that even if I am having a bad day that it will not last forever. But I'm stuck here feeling miserable, lost, and desperate to feel anything but this pain that will not escape me. 

I've fallen into a deep depression and the only way to get away for a bit is to partake in self destructive behaviors. I take my medicine and can feel a quiet, but short lived, calm pass through me.  I watch as blood trickles down my arm and finally I feel like I am in control of this pain. 

The only thing I am looking for in my life is contentment, I don't even have to be happy. I just want to forget the lingering thought that my only escape is to give up. 

"please don't come to me on my dying day, just let me go in peace"