I got caught. last month.
My story isn't about the shitty repercussions that come from getting arrested for drinking and driving. We all know it's something we shouldn't do. Even after getting a DWI I am still sick of being told over and over again by commercials, billboards and other forms of media how wrong it is. My story is about my having a mental illness and my experience of spending a night in jail.
I live in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I am 25 years old and I have suffered from depression for the better part of my life. Recently I was also diagnosed with having a panic disorder. Having a panic disorder is very different from just having an occasional panic attack. It's frequently severe attacks and it's best described as the "fear of fear." It's a phobia. It makes you live a limited life because you're terrified of that fear. I avoid places or people because I contribute them as a trigger. It's real and it's ruining my life.
I've given up on the idea of people understanding mental illnesses. If one more person tells me "get over it" or asks me "what do you have to be depressed about" I'm going to lose my mind. It's not that simple. No one wants to he this way. And just because you can't see my disability; it doesn't mean it's not there.
I spent the evening out with my friends, and was in a parking lot when a cop decided to be very unnecessary and arrest me for an ACV, or actual control of vehicle. unfortunately, in Arkansas it's the same as driving under the influence. I knew better than to fight it that night so I willingly let the cop take me to jail. I was put in a holding cell by myself until the morning shift started and I could be booked in and out of jail. My panic set in immediately and I blacked out. I hurt myself when this happens. I had deep scratches all over arms and had been hitting my wrists against the cement bench. I don't remember this. Handfuls of hair were on the floor and I cannot recall this happening at all. A police officer told me that for my own safety I needed to be restrained in a chair. They were aware of my disability from when I was brought in and had to explain why I had so much medication in my purse.
I begged for a doctor. I cried for 3 hours for someone to help me. Instead I was left restrained with my arms and legs to a chair and was told to stop crying and asking for help and that they weren't going to call the nurse. I cried all night and went in and out of consciousness because of my mental disability. I was left alone and untreated. I was told it wasn't inhumane because I was faking.
At the time of this, I had been taken off of work because of inability to function normally for even a day. I was considered mentally disabled in the state of Arkansas. I don't know how I could possibly be faking that.
My attorney says that people don't understand disabilities. That it's not worth fighting the system because people don't care. That unless you have a mental disability or if you or someone you know has had mental issues you don't feel sorry for people like me. That still seems to broad for me to understand, I want to believe that a lot of people do get it. I want to believe that some people understand that I can't help the way I am. I want to see the good in people. Unfortunately I don't think that's possible anymore. I have heard and read some of the most disturbing things possible about mental illnesses since the Connecticut shooting. In no way am I justifying what happened, but you can't blame a mental illness and then lump everyone who has one into the same group. Because I fit into that group of having a mental illness, I've been called the most horrific names possible which only makes me feel worse.
People will never understand.
I strayed away from my original topic because it hurts to talk about it still. I'm not some monster, I'm not going to do anything bad. But I shouldn't be treated any differently because something is so wrong with me mentally. I hate living in a world full of so many people who are so mean and ugly. In a world where if you're not normal, or you have a mental issue, you are treated like scum. Like you are a piece of shit. Like you're a burden to everyone else.
I don't want to be this way. I'm doing everything I can to be better. It would just be nice to have a little support along the way. I may never get better. I may not live long enough to want to keep fighting. But right now, I'm trying as hard as I can
I hate the holidays for so many reasons. My number one reason is because people pretend to be nice. I just hope that when the holidays are over they continue being nice, that's the only way our worlds ever going to change.
I typically stay on topic better but this was hard for me to write about so I'm sorry if it was difficult to follow.
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