Mon, Aug 25, 2014 at 4:14 AM
"As you might imagine, I got a few letters about my recent column about suicide. Actually, it was a lot of letters. For days. I read them. No matter how angry or instructive, I appreciate them all because they were written with complete sincerity, even if some had only two words, the second being “you.”
After reading carefully and responding as best I could, it was obvious that I had some work to do in order to educate myself further on this very complex and painful issue. I am quite thick-headed, but not so much that things don’t occasionally permeate.
In the piece, I said there are some things I obviously don’t get. So I would like to thank you for taking the time to let me know where you’re coming from. None of it was lost upon me.
I cannot defend the views I expressed. I think that would be taking an easy out. I put them out there plainly and must suffer the slings and arrows — fair enough. I won’t attempt to dodge them. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be taught a thing or two. I have no love for a fixed position on most things. I am always eager to learn something. I promise that I will dig in and educate myself on this and do my best to evolve. Again, thank you.
In the short amount of space afforded here, hear me out. Like a lot of people, I have battled depression all my life. It’s nothing special, in that it’s too common to be considered unique. This state has made me have to do things in a certain way to remain operational. There have been some truly awful stretches, as I am sure there have been for anyone who deals with depression, that have at times rendered me almost paralytic. Hours pass and I slow-cook on a cold spit. I have likened it to being a peach in a can of syrup yet fully conscious. In an attempt to keep moving along, I must stay in the immediate present tense, acutely aware of everything happening, like driving a car on a highway. If I conclude that I am not citizen grade, I do my best to avoid people so I do not act unpleasantly. No one deserves it. This has kept me in hotel rooms, my kitchen and the corners of gyms. When I have a show that night, it’s minute-to-minute.
One of the only things that gives me a breather is music. I medicate with it.
What has perhaps kept me from seeing things differently about severe depression is that I am sure I don’t have it.
But the power of severe depression was brought up quite a bit in the letters I received. Your anger toward me on this, believe me, I got it.
I serve. That is what I do. It is, to me, the most fortunate position to be in. I have an audience. It is because of them that I get to eat, move — everything. Each member of this audience is better than I am. Braver and more real than I see myself. The only thing I fear besides being misunderstood, which would be my fault anyway, is failing these people.
For decades I have talked to and gotten letters from people who tell me that something I did helped them, or saved them from killing themselves, helped them get clean, stay clean or come out. Never once do I really think that I had anything to do with anyone staying alive, but I get where they’re coming from. All of them are better than I am and it is them I serve.
In my mind, all of this is mine to screw up. While I don’t take myself seriously, I take them with a frightening degree of seriousness. They can take or leave me at any time; they have options. They are all I have and, beyond that, I feel I have a duty to serve them because they have made me better.
I guess this is what makes me wrestle with the issue of suicide, when it pertains to those who have an audience, or kids, or both. I feel nothing but debt to my audience. I will try my hardest, but I will never be able to even the books. If I checked out, I would be running out on the bill.
Like I said, I am trying to evolve on this. I have a picture in my mind. There is a person — one with a family and a huge audience — who is on one side of a seesaw. The family and the audience are on the other side. This person’s condition makes him heavy enough to tilt all of them up in the air and send him to the ground. He didn’t want to go, but the condition outweighed all of them and even he couldn’t stop it. Is that, albeit crudely drawn, basically it?
I understand it is my task to learn about this. It might take a while, but I will get on it. It is my belief about an ingrained sense of duty that will make this challenging, but I am always up for improvement.
I got several letters thanking me for what I said. However, it was the ones that took me to task that made me think the most.
To those I offended, I believe you and I apologize. If what I wrote causes you to toss me out of your boat, it is to my great regret, but I understand and thank you for your thoughts."
****
It has taken me quite a while to figure out a response to all of this. My initial reaction was shock, how could such an intelligent man say such horribly ignorant things? 3 weeks later and I can finally understand it...he doesn't know what severe depression is. As he said in this follow up article, depression isn't unique - it affects too many people to be considered "unique." Severe depression though? depression to the point of even considering taking your own life? that is unique. Most people do not have the conscious thought that putting a rope around your neck, or some equally tragic action, will bring you peace.
There is nothing more in the world that I, someone who has suffered from depression for the better part of her life, wants more than compassion. Compassion, empathy, understanding for people like me, people who have wanted or who have succeeded in killing themselves. I beg, plead, and pray every single day that someone will finally understand how I feel. I have to accept that I am in this on my own. I am fighting a battle that no one else can see. It's me, my medicine, and my therapy vs. the world. and the odds are against me. I have been in the hospital twice, my body is covered in scars, and I have experienced more pain that anyone should in their entire life, and I’m only 27. But despite all of those things, I remain optimistic that life will turn around. I’m doing everything I can to give myself a better life. Suicide is just a lingering thought in the back of my head anymore. If anything, I think about suicide as a fantasy. I don’t have the strength to kill myself and I hope I never do, but the comfort that washes over me when I think about it is unreal. It’s both terrifying and the most incredible sense of relief I’ve ever experienced.
I don't get mad that people do not understand what we are going through. The truth is, even I don't understand it. So for me to expect anyone else to get it isn't fair. I can't justify someone’s decision to end their own life. It's obscene for me to even suggest suicide as an answer to any of life’s problems but who am I to criticize someone for their decision? Something as personal, as deep-rooted as chronic depression is – no one will ever understand those struggles. You will forever be alone in knowing exactly what’s going on in your own mind but you can reach out for help. My life 6 months ago is barely recognizable to me now. I made the decision to reach out – again – and I’m alive still so it’s working. It may or may not be a permanent solution – only time will tell – but for now, I’m living my life one minute at a time and it’s working.
So, I’m not mad at Henry Rollins nor am I mad at anyone else, I get the frustration in not being able to understand how someone could make the decision to take their own life. It’s not meant to be understood. If it was as simple as people wish it was, then there would be a way to stop us from thinking suicide is the right choice. It’s always shocking and disheartening when someone makes that decision and it’s okay to be upset, sad, or confused when it happens – that is normal. Please, I beg of you, anyone who is reading this, to not believe that suicide is “giving up” or taking the “easy way out” – no one wants to end their life, they only want to end the battle against their illness.
*Do not get mad at someone for giving up – they fought as hard as they could.
*Do not think suicide was an impulsive decision – this was the hardest decision of their life.
*Do not take it personal – depression is not about anyone except for the person who is suffering from it. Of course they thought about the repercussions of their actions. They do not want you to hurt. In a warped mind that has been overtaken by this illness, you believe suicide to be the right answer. You think you’re doing the world a favor and when time has passed, people’s lives will be easier now that they don’t have to deal with you and your disease.
Yes, it’s incredibly fucked up, which is exactly why I don’t expect anyone to ever understand my depression.
****
It has taken me quite a while to figure out a response to all of this. My initial reaction was shock, how could such an intelligent man say such horribly ignorant things? 3 weeks later and I can finally understand it...he doesn't know what severe depression is. As he said in this follow up article, depression isn't unique - it affects too many people to be considered "unique." Severe depression though? depression to the point of even considering taking your own life? that is unique. Most people do not have the conscious thought that putting a rope around your neck, or some equally tragic action, will bring you peace.
There is nothing more in the world that I, someone who has suffered from depression for the better part of her life, wants more than compassion. Compassion, empathy, understanding for people like me, people who have wanted or who have succeeded in killing themselves. I beg, plead, and pray every single day that someone will finally understand how I feel. I have to accept that I am in this on my own. I am fighting a battle that no one else can see. It's me, my medicine, and my therapy vs. the world. and the odds are against me. I have been in the hospital twice, my body is covered in scars, and I have experienced more pain that anyone should in their entire life, and I’m only 27. But despite all of those things, I remain optimistic that life will turn around. I’m doing everything I can to give myself a better life. Suicide is just a lingering thought in the back of my head anymore. If anything, I think about suicide as a fantasy. I don’t have the strength to kill myself and I hope I never do, but the comfort that washes over me when I think about it is unreal. It’s both terrifying and the most incredible sense of relief I’ve ever experienced.
I don't get mad that people do not understand what we are going through. The truth is, even I don't understand it. So for me to expect anyone else to get it isn't fair. I can't justify someone’s decision to end their own life. It's obscene for me to even suggest suicide as an answer to any of life’s problems but who am I to criticize someone for their decision? Something as personal, as deep-rooted as chronic depression is – no one will ever understand those struggles. You will forever be alone in knowing exactly what’s going on in your own mind but you can reach out for help. My life 6 months ago is barely recognizable to me now. I made the decision to reach out – again – and I’m alive still so it’s working. It may or may not be a permanent solution – only time will tell – but for now, I’m living my life one minute at a time and it’s working.
So, I’m not mad at Henry Rollins nor am I mad at anyone else, I get the frustration in not being able to understand how someone could make the decision to take their own life. It’s not meant to be understood. If it was as simple as people wish it was, then there would be a way to stop us from thinking suicide is the right choice. It’s always shocking and disheartening when someone makes that decision and it’s okay to be upset, sad, or confused when it happens – that is normal. Please, I beg of you, anyone who is reading this, to not believe that suicide is “giving up” or taking the “easy way out” – no one wants to end their life, they only want to end the battle against their illness.
*Do not get mad at someone for giving up – they fought as hard as they could.
*Do not think suicide was an impulsive decision – this was the hardest decision of their life.
*Do not take it personal – depression is not about anyone except for the person who is suffering from it. Of course they thought about the repercussions of their actions. They do not want you to hurt. In a warped mind that has been overtaken by this illness, you believe suicide to be the right answer. You think you’re doing the world a favor and when time has passed, people’s lives will be easier now that they don’t have to deal with you and your disease.
Yes, it’s incredibly fucked up, which is exactly why I don’t expect anyone to ever understand my depression.
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