My constant wish for that has never worked.
Today's self-hatred lesson is that I give people the power to hurt me. I think I've always know this but today...today is different. It took me long enough to figure it out but I genuinely think my boyfriend is ashamed of me. I don't know why though, is it my personality, my looks (I'm not the super skinny, beautiful girls that make up his past), or is he just realizing that he doesn't want to be with me?
it started off with his compliments towards me slowly start dwindling away. This didn't bother me much, I can't realistically think he will tell me how beautiful he thinks I am every single day, even if he said he would. I don't expect that. but when the compliments stopped all together is when I planted the first red flag.
The second, as stupid as it is, I'm virtually nonexistent in the social world of him. I say that because I have never been mentioned in any of his Instgram posts (and obviously he hasn't ever posted a picture of us). On top of that, my presence of his Facebook page has stopped. he used to post status updates and photos and then he just stopped. He changed his profile picture to an old picture of himself. which is totally fine but the timing of it seems strange in consideration with everything else I've recently felt. Red flag No. 2. and 3? I'm losing count here.
So I can't stand it any longer, my depression was at a low and I decided to bring it up to him. And even now, a day later, I'm still SO pissed at myself for not just keeping my mouth shut. why oh why can't I just shut the fuck up. I exploded mentally. I told him every single thing that was making me feel insecure. I told him how I'm tired of hearing about his partying days from when he was younger and drunk. I told him his social media was bullshit. Oops, I failed to mention I had brought up his Instagram a few weeks ago one night, but we were on ambien so I felt like it was fair game for me to bring up again while sober. I told him his lack of literally anything about me concerning his Facebook page was worrisome. I told him he has pictures on his page that were repulsive. Example: him at hooters with a girls face between his crotch taking a shot while he has his hand on her head. it's not something I want to see. I feel like it's common courtesy not to leave pictures like up when 1). You're in a serious relations or 2). You're nearly 30 years old and you're sending resumes out like crazy trying to find a new job. He disagreed with me and I still don't know how that conversation ended. I was too frustrated to listen and had too many other things flowing through my mind. I guess we'll agree to disagree. I told him it annoyed the shit out of me that he failed to introduce me to a girl who came to our table at a restaurant. He got up, hugged this girl, talked to her for several minutes and she kept calling him "love" - and he couldn't even introduce me. When she asked what's new in life he failed to mention that THE GIRL WHO WAS SITTING ACROSS THE TABLE FROM YOU was his girlfriend. He defended himself before finally saying that was poor judgment on his part. I don't think he meant it. I literally can't shrug my shoulders any harder than I am right now. I am too tired to care. I am too angry with myself for opening myself back up to so much pain again.
Nothing was resolved by that talk.
He talks about wanting to spend his life with me, marry me, and have children with me.
I want that with him. So badly.
But not if this is how I will continue to feel. I don't think anyone deserves to feel this worthless.
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