"The difference between medicine and poison is the dose"

The last 3 years of my life are a blur. I was put on a medication that nearly killed me, ruined friendships and relationships, and turned me into someone I didn’t even recognize. 7 months ago, after not leaving my house for an embarrassingly extended amount of time because of my panic and depression, I made the decision to stop this medicine. 7 months I have been tapering off this devil drug. If anyone had ever told me just how difficult it was to stop taking Effexor, I never would have agreed to try it in the first place.  Doctors tell me that the only explanation for my situation of that it’s a chemical imbalance. I want to be a functioning human being again. I want to wake up and not feel like this, like life is a war and that I’m battling each day and losing. 

I’m frustrated because I’m not being over dramatic and I can’t talk to anyone about it because that’s the reaction that I get. I’m having physical withdraw symptoms that make me feel like I need to go to the hospital. I feel like I am having a heart attack. I toss and I turn each night, every single bone in my body aches and even when I’m being as still as I can, I feel like my legs are resting on sharp objects that are about to pierce through my skin at any moment. My apartment, my body, my hair, my face, my clothes, everything is a mess and I don’t have the energy nor the motivation to do anything about it. I get what I call these “brain zaps” – I genuinely have no idea what they are but I’ve read about others experiencing similar sensations as well. I think the only way I can describe them is if you imagine a firecracker going off in your brain, it then moves throughout my body at frightening speeds. These happen without any warning and are so forceful that that are able to make me fall down, or pass out even. I do not feel like I am in control of my body anymore and the only thing I can do to save myself is take a different pill, tuck myself into bed, and cry. 

And these are just the worst of the physical symptoms, I didn’t even touch on the emotional rollercoaster I am being dragged on through all of this. 

 

If you have clinical depression and your doctor says “hey let’s try Effexor” – turn around and run out of that damn office faster than you have ever ran before. And never look back. I’m 36 hours without it as of right now.  I wish I could go to sleep until this is all over.