Sing little darling, sing with me.

Every single day is a nonstop battle with my depression. Some days are better than others and the bad days seems to be happening less frequently. Is it possible that I'm finally feeling better?

Is it safe for me to think that? I fear that if I do truly believe to be getting better and I it turns out I'm not it will crush me. I don't want this to just be a high, I want it to be a positive change. I'm working so hard every day and I need that to show and motivate me to keep on. 

I've not had any alcohol in over 4 months. I have also stopped taking my Xanax, klonopin, and ambien just as long. I think this is the first time in my life that I feel truly proud of myself. I decided, on my last trip to the ER, that I didn't want this life anymore. I didn't want to be comatose to everything in my life because of alcohol or pills. I was so tired of feeling defeated. I knew giving up wasn't an option as I was in the hospital now for the second time in 18 months. I could never follow through. This time was different. I was conscious, unlike last time, and can still hear the distant voices of doctors talking about how I've been here before for the same thing. They were condescending and angry with me for being there. That helped paint the picture of just how pathetic I really was and that's when I decided I would keep fighting this disease. 

4 months later I'm free from alcohol, pills, and drama and I'm better than I have been in years. All I hope for is that it lasts.